AOL Instant Sermoner

[Jeff]

By Matt Diamond, The John Hopkins News-Letter

In my last column, I began with a quick run-through of the biblical creation of the world. I guess I made a few slight exaggerations (like claiming that people in the 60s only sang about grass, trees, the sun and the moon, when in reality they also sang about dropping large amounts of acid), but I thought my rendition was still pretty spot-on. However, it occurred to me later that perhaps some people might not know the Bible at all. This is understandable for a number of reasons:

1. It's not as exciting as other ancient religious texts, like The Koran and The Da Vinci Code
2. It hasn't been made into an action-packed, feature film starring Keanu Reeves
3. Too many words

So, for the sake of those who haven't read the Bible, I've come up with informative summaries for a few of the most important Old Testament stories (yeah, I'm Jewish, we keep it old school). And, to make this as accessible as possible, I've written them in a style that should be familiar to everyone: AOL Instant Messenger. Enjoy!

AOL PRESENTS: THE OLD TESTAMENT

The Garden of Eden

THELORD777: yo Adam

MadamImAdam: yo, sup God

THELORD777: nm, u

MadamImAdam: nm

THELORD777: u like forbidden apples?

MadamImAdam: um, sure

THELORD777: well I got her number, how do u like them forbidden apples LOL

MadamImAdam: wut r u talking about

THELORD777: didn't u see Good Will Hunting

MadamImAdam: um, no...

THELORD777: stfu, ur out of the garden

Cain and Abel

THELORD777: 'sup

CainDaBrain32: nm, u

THELORD777: nm

THELORD777: did u kill ur brother

CainDaBrain32: ya

THELORD777: LOL

The Story of Abraham

THELORD777: yo Abe

JewmeroUno: yo

THELORD777: kill ur son

JewmeroUno: alright

JewmeroUno has signed off.

THELORD777: haha, j/k

THELORD777: ...

THELORD777: ah crap

God Speaks To Moses From A Burning Bush

THELORD777: yo

MoMoneyMoSes: yo

THELORD777: wut r u wearing

MoMoneyMoSes: what?

THELORD777: oo baby, ur making me so hot n holy

MoMoneyMoSes: uhhhhh

THELORD777: j/k, free the Jews

God Speaks to Moses at Mount Sinai

THELORD777: I got sumthing 4 u

MoMoneyMoSes: wut is it

THELORD777: u'll see, it's kewl

MoMoneyMoSes: ok

THELORD777 wants to send file "TenCommandments.doc"

MoMoneyMoSes has received "TenCommandments.doc"

MoMoneyMoSes: I lost the file, send again

THELORD777: wtf, u idiot

THELORD777 wants to send file "TenCommandments.doc"

MoMoneyMoSes has received "TenCommandments.doc"

MoMoneyMoSes: did u write this

THELORD777: ya

MoMoneyMoSes: it sux

THELORD777: that's it, ur going to die without entering the Holy Land

MoMoneyMoSes: aw poo

THELORD777: LOL poo

Matt Diamond likes them forbidden apples just fine and can be contacted at mdiamond@jhu.edu.

Source: John Hopkins News-Letter

[Gandalf]

If I laugh at that, does it mean I'm going to hell? I like the Story of Abraham. j/k

[Dr Kimble]

What's funny is that it does do a pretty good job of summing up those stories. Minus the lol's and j/k's of course.