Top Tips from Viz Magazine!

[sarahtowny]

I think the tip for Cinema goers had me giggling the most.

DON'T waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.

CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by going to the toilet before the film starts.

RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

RED WINE DRINKERS Worried that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night of drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.

SOLDIERS Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.

MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.

BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking Out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.

EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.

MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.

GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.

BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.

ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.

DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.

CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.

SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.

SINGLE men Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.

ALCOHOLICS don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.

McDONALD'S Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

[MartinBradley]

Haha! Quite clean for Viz!

I bought an issue a while ago, on the letters page was, "Has anyone managed to open a microwaveable Rustlers packet without the corner ripping off first? Free £20 note to anyone who can let me know how."

[Tigerblade]

MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.

i especially like that one... good stuff.

EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.

i don't get this one, probably because it's written for a British reader... what's a CV? and i'm assuming "the bin" means the garbage/rubbish bin?

[Kudo]

CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by going to the toilet before the film starts.
RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

[MartinBradley]

Originally Posted by Tigerblade

i especially like that one... good stuff.

i don't get this one, probably because it's written for a British reader... what's a CV? and i'm assuming "the bin" means the garbage/rubbish bin?

A CV is a Curriculum Vitae. And yeah, the bin means rubbish bin.

[Dr Kimble]

DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.

Hee, I found this one especially funny now that I am starting to drive.

I'm learning people, honking isn't going to help! >:|

[MrEggsalad]

Ah! That actually made me lol. Heh very funny indeed!